Erik Shawn: Funny Name, Future Baseball God

When young Erik told his classmates that he wanted to become a baseball player, they all laughed at him. Not because they doubted his abilities, mind you. They were laughing because his name sounds like "erection." Now, they're still laughing, entirely due to the fact that his name still is Erik Shawn. He doesn't let those laughs get the better of him. He's just out here to prove that Erik Shawn will go down as one of the best in baseball history.

How is he going to do that, you ask? Easy. He's gonna throw the ball damn good. Erik's knuckleballs are the best in the biz. Once it leaves his hand, nobody knows where that ball's gonna go. In fact, his pitches have been studied by top scientists from the Yale-Harvard-Brown-Oxford Tech College University of Michigan, and they could not figure out any way to accurately predict the ball's travel. If super-smart scientists from a made-up mega ivy league school can't figure out where that ball is going, how is any sub 200 IQ batter going to?

Of course, it doesn't matter how well one places the ball if it can't even get to the batter. Speed kills, and Mr. Shawn is a cold-blooded murderer, both on and off the field, although his lawyer denies the "off the field" part. Erik can throw some absolute rippers. In fact, one of his friends, right before dying from a heroin overdose, said that Erik once broke the sound barrier with one of his throws. We tried to contact that person again at a later date but were unable to reach him. The point is, Erik Shawn can throw some very fast balls with such deadly inaccuracy, his high school had to put up a net behind the batter so the balls stopped concussing the spectators.


Erik Shawn has the skillset to become the deadliest pitcher in the SBL. With his wicked speed and incalculable placement, any batter is lucky to walk away with both kneecaps intact, let alone actually hitting something. What's his secret? How did he get so powerful? Well, it's quite simple. It's all because of his name. See, any typical person who's name is Erik Shawn would've had their parents charged with child abuse, forcibly have their name changed, and sent away to a foster home. Erik Shawn is not a typical person. He loves his parents and is happy to claim the name on his birth certificate. He claims it gives him unbridled power, as well as distracts his opponents. They say that ugly guys have to be funny, because the more they make a girl laugh, the less they end up looking at them. Well Erik uses that knowledge to his advantage. Since all his opponents are busy laughing at his name, clutching their sides, maybe peeing themselves a little, Erik is preparing a soul-crushing move that demolishes the will of his adversaries. It is unknown whether or not this ability will translate to the majors, but as long as his name sounds like another word for boner, Erik Shawn will keep finding ways to win.